Addicted To Experience

I always said I had an addictive personality. At first I thought it was some genetic disposition to addiction, particularly to material things, but after quite a bit of thought, I have realized that I am addicted to experience. I am addicted to 'doing' or 'being' or 'living'. I want to go adventure, because I want that experience. I want to meet people, I want to try things, and I don't get addicted to the individual things, I am addicted to the experience enhancement. Now I am split between justifying this habit and suffocating it.

As far as justification goes, I would say that in my opinion there is no purpose to life. Or at least that there is no purpose given to life. I think purpose is a premise that we create, which in no way shape or form minimizes its worth. So for me, handed a life without meaning or purpose, it is only logical to take that life through the most diverse array of experiences I can, to find said purpose. Now the main conflict I came to with this thought process is that without a 'higher' purpose, the journey of the experiences is only limited by the drive to keep experiencing. So in a sense, if I were to do something that made me feel like there was nothing more to experience, the will to live disappears. Without any sort of moral predisposition, strictly viewing my body as a vehicle for experience, this risk stayed ever present. But similarly, without a purpose, who gives a fuck? Death in and of itself is an experience.

Now on the flip side, the justification for the antithesis of the last proposition, which I have also been pondering. It would seem that if life has no purpose, the creation of a purpose should not be something to strive for. In the avoidance of a purpose, each and every moment is appreciated as the total embodiment of existence, nothing more valuable, nothing less valuable. There is no inherent good, there is no inherent evil, there only IS. So live each moment, as it is. There should be no desire to strive for any 'experience' at all. So what would the purpose of stimulants be? Nothing. There would be no need to try them. The downfall here is that it is equally dangerous in the death realm. To not believe in your own existence as anything other than interpretation of useless events should remove any fear of pain or death at all, because those things too are useless.

For now I walk somewhere in between. Looking to experience the universe, while being engulfed in the now as it is.

For now, walking in between is driving me crazy.